Tugging on scars…
27 Nov 2011 1 Comment
Hubby’s cousin recently announced she is pregnant again. This is the girl who got pregnant in high school. She is pregnant with her third child.
When we visit Hubby’s family in January, they will be all excited about the pregnancy. I am fairly sure that it will be a favorite topic of conversation.
We will be seeing RE to start trying for a second child. I doubt that will be mentioned more than a couple of times.
It is not fair.
25 Nov 2011 1 Comment
Thanksgiving focuses on family. That can be difficult for someone who has had trouble building a family of their own. Hubby and I were just not up for the traditional Thanksgiving this year.
This year, we did several things differently. We made Thanksgiving about the celebration instead of the food. This left more room to actually be thankful.
First, I participated in a 5K race on Thanksgiving day. I ran the entire thing! And finished with a time of 39:44, a pace of 12:48. I think that is very respectable, and better than what I expected. It felt really good to run the race. The entire thing was a big party, with bands along the route and people cheering the entire way. And I felt like a rock star. It was great!
Then, we decided not to cook the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Not only is it better financially, but it feels good on an emotional level, too. The discada we are planning on making is easy and fun to make, and is really yummy. It is also sort of festive, too. (As most mexican food is!) And we do not have to worry about cooking a turkey and all the sides. My stress level this Thanksgiving is a lot lower.
We are also not expecting a lot of family over the holidays because we are not traveling. That also reduces our stress levels.
Really, Thanksgiving is a celebration. It does not matter what you make, as long as you are able to celebrate what you have. Isn’t that what Thanksgiving is?
As I think back on my day, it is a true reminder of what I am thankful for.
- I am able to run.
- For my mother’s group ladies who got me started running, and ran with me.
- For my Hubby and my parents
- For my son (He also got to participate in the race today. He walked in the stroller with granddad.)
- For living where I do, because it has supportive communities.
- For being able to be in limbo at work. Things are tight for us, but it is do-able.
- For the internet, which gives me an outlet for these things!
- For my dogs. I love my Danes!
- The relationship my child has with my parents. They love him so much, and he adores them. It is so much fun seeing them together.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Touchy Feely Tuesday: On Monday this week.
21 Nov 2011 2 Comments
Because I have to get some of this stuff off my chest!
That last post felt really good to write. But it took about a week, and several sittings, to get it to a point where I could publish it. It actually got too long, so I have part two coming soon. Part two talks about the holidays. But I think I am going to do a Thanksgiving post first. Because it seemed appropriate.
I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop on the job I interviewed for. I keep waiting for an email or call telling me that they have filled the position. Just give me the bad news already so I can move on!
I had to go into work today for a couple of hours to do some year end stuff. Apparently it has been pretty dead, in general. They have been sending full time people home, too. They are anticipating business to pick up soon, as they are expecting a some new docs in the new year. Maybe I will be able to keep the job I have. I think it would be better to keep it right now.
At this point, I am trying to believe that I am going to end up where I need to be. But it is hard.
Being surrounded by all the Thanksgiving ads and shows makes me want to have a thanksgiving meal. But not on Thanksgiving. I may do a couple of meals with Thanksgiving foods next week. At that point, the food will hopefully be on sale, so it will be a lot cheaper, anyway. I think I want to try butterflying a chicken. I think I could do it, and it would cook faster.
I think I am going to have to make many of my Christmas gifts this year. Fortunately I am off work, and I have a large stash of fabric and materials. I just need to get creative! I am thinking pillows and bags. Those are pretty easy to do, and I have large stash of stuffing. I am also tempted to re-gift. Especially to people who do not live close by.
I cannot believe I will be running a 5K on Thursday! I still have to drive the course, but I heard there is a short hill, but the rest of it is flat. Thank goodness. One hill seems fairly do-able. I need to pick up my timing chip and t-shirt this week. I will try to get it tomorrow.
Hope everyone has a great week!
Scars
20 Nov 2011 9 Comments
I have been thinking about scars lately.
I recently had a keloid scar revised( for the second time). The revision was followed by radiation treatment to help the area heal properly. Amazingly it has worked. It looks like it is going to heal well, and the scar will be almost invisible. Which is amazing to me.
For those who do not know, a keloid is an overgrowth of scar tissue. I suspect I got it from a really bad sunburn in high school. The keloid in question was very large, red, angry looking, and on my chest. So everyone could see it if I wore anything with a low-ish neckline. I have had many people ask me what I had done.
The first time I had this scar revised, it did not heal properly. The sutures popped open, and the scar ended up going keloid again. (I suspect the sutures popped because of chasing a very active toddler.)
The second time the scar was revised, the doc put in in three layers of sutures. She was determined that the wound was not going to pop open again. She also had to cut deeper and wider to get the scar out. (Thank goodness for local numbing meds!
One thing which surprised me about the healing process was how often the sutures get tugged on. It took a little over a week for me to stop feeling the tug of sutures. It was a very strange feeling. I could see that the scar was healing on the surface, but I could feel that it was not quite healed underneath. I still feel a tug on it sometimes even now.
It also made me realize how deep the scar really was. I think I did not realize how deep the scar grew.
It made me think about infertility. Infertility has definitely left a scar on my life. And I think it left deeper scars than I expected.
I can still feel like less of a woman because I cannot get pregnant without a team of medical professionals. I suspect this is why being in the presence of a pregnant woman still wigs me out a little, despite the fact I have been pregnant myself. I am more comfortable with it now, and I can be happy for them. But it still gives me a tug of jealousy.
There are a couple of pregnant women at church, one of whom gave birth around the same time I did. And I just know that she got pregnant naturally. It is so easy for them, and so hard for me. I think on some level, I am also still mourning the inability to naturally conceive. That took me by surprise. Maybe I will always have the feeling.
We infertiles have to think about things that fertiles never have to think of. For Hubby and I, going to our RE involves travel across the state. We have to accommodate doctors appointments just to have a chance at getting pregnant. We also have to be in a place financially where we can afford to try to get pregnant.
Secondary infertility after primary infertility is a challenge simply because you know what is in store for you. And you have to be able to do it with a little one in tow, which adds new challenges.
Then there are the holidays, and the bitterness which underlies the celebration.
It seems like every piece of my life has been touched by infertility.
Scars do heal, but they leave a mark.
Touchy Feely Tuesday
15 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
- Diet over the weekend sucked. I know I went over both Saturday and Sunday. Trying to have a persistent attitude about it. Maybe if I keep at, something will work and the weight will come off. Persistence has paid off for my running, I am going to try it with weight loss, too. Not going to hurt.
- Really want to try to do some deeper posts. I have posts I want to do, but very little time to work on them. Maybe I will try for once a week, and work on them over more than one day. Of course, lately I have just wanted to escape and not think about anything.
- Little Guy has had a better day today. I was able to take a slower morning, and warn him when we were about to do something. Usually I would warn him several times. Seems to work. Better than the tantrums of yesterday.
- I ran 2.5 miles today, and I think we are doing 3.25 miles on Thursday. The 5K does not seem so far away anymore. I think we will actually be able to run the entire thing.
- I think we are going to do a non-traditional Thanksgiving feast. We are going to try to make discada instead of the traditional Thanksgiving meal. It is a party sort of feel, and that is what we are going for. It also seems a lot less of a hassle than the Thanksgiving meal. But still yummy and a celebration.
- Interview went all right, I think. I was the first person they interviewed, because I was the most qualified for the job. There are a couple of things I am not sure about, but over all I think it could be good. Definitely more stimulating than my current job. But there are no benefits. Not sure how to hold on to the benefits I have. Sigh.
- I really hate the uncertainty with my job situation. It makes me queasy at times. Especially yesterday after my interview. I really have no idea what will happen with the job, and it is going to drive me crazy. I am trying to take it day by day and enjoy the time with the Little Guy, but I am worried about everything underneath it. (Health benefits, and my bank account.) Limbo is a terrible place to be.
Transitions
14 Nov 2011 3 Comments
For some reason, transitions have been really tough for Little Guy. Every transition seems to bring on a trantrum.
Getting dressed for the day causes a tantrum.
Getting in the car to go somewhere causes a tantrum.
Not being able to go outside causes a tantrum.
Waking up from a nap results in a tantrum.
Getting in the high chair to eat dinner causes a tantrum.
I think you get the picture. It is exhausting. I hate having the fights every damn time I want to take him to do something. Usually what I want to do is something fun for him, and he is fine once we get there. But he still has to fight me.
I am fairly sure it is a toddler thing, and it will likely pass. But it is wearing me out right now. I am just brain dead at the end of the day because I have been fighting with Little Guy a good part of the day.
I wish I knew what I could do to make the transitions easier. I am getting really tired of fighting him all the time.
Depleted.
08 Nov 2011 3 Comments
I just feel really used up lately. And a little lost, too.
Work is probably the biggest thing. I hate having things up in the air. I suspect that they are going to lose that position, and I am going to be out of a job. I have already started putting in applications, but my search is limited by location. There are only two hospital systems in the area, and neither of them have part time positions in my field. Plenty of full time positions. A few PRN positions, which do not offer insurance. Nothing in between. I do not want to work full time, and we really need the benefits.
I started actually trying to restrict my calories this week. And I finally stepped on a scale. I am down a couple of pounds, which is good. But the thing with dieting is that I always seem to feel hungry. And I have to have the hungry feeling in order to lose weight.
Added to that is the fact that I just do not have the energy to keep up with little guy at times. It does not help that he has been clingy today. He has to be around mommy. I hope it is nothing serious.
Why does health insurance have to be so difficult? I just want information. But I still have to put my phone number in the form in order to even get an online quote. I do not actually want to talk to anyone, and I am not interested in buying anything at the moment. Why do I have to get a million calls about it? If I want to talk to someone I will call them. Do not call me!
I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but it is hard when I am feeling so empty right now. I hate not having work. It makes me feel lost. It is also a break from being mommy. Sigh.
What a Day!
04 Nov 2011 1 Comment
I am so glad it is over!
Little guy woke up at 5 AM this morning. This is beginning to become a regular thing, and I am not happy about it! He was his usual crazy, rambunctious self all morning.
We visited my mother, and she let me run to the store without the baby. Just a little treat in my day. After we got back from that visit Little Guy went down for a nap. He actually went down fairly easily. Which actually surprised me!
But he only slept for an hour and a half.
Really? That is all the nap you are going to take?
Then I got a call from work. Apparently they do not have enough cases to have me actually work. But they still want to keep my position so they are not going to actually let me go. Weird, but all right. This means we get to keep our benefits through my job, even though we have to pay for it. Still less than Cobra, so I am not complaining.
To be honest, I am not that surprised. They keep calling people off, and making people leave early. it is a better situation than I expected. They could have let me go. And I guess they still could.
But I think it is time to start looking for another job, though. It may not be so bad. But we will see. I hate job hunting. It really sucks, and there are so few places for an RN to look. There are only two hospital systems in this area. If you work in healthcare and want to work in a hospital, you have to be with one or the other. Sigh. Seriously limits my options.
At least I got to run with my mother’s group today. I ran 2.75 miles! I think I may be able to do the 5 K!
Touchy Feely Tuesday
01 Nov 2011 5 Comments
I cannot believe it has been a week since I posted last! Usually I try to post at least once over the weekend! I guess that says something about my week that I never did get to it.
I am tired of fighting toddler today. Child has wanted to do his own thing all day, no natter what. It has been really exhausting, especially when I was trying to get to an activity he really likes. It was made even harder by my period, so I am feeling wiped out to begin with. Currently he is crying in his crib because he is too exhausted to even play without a tantrum. Child only got an hour of sleep this afternoon. I know he is tired and will eventually go to sleep. I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later. I cannot do any more today, and I do not think he can, either. This is the second time I have been in there, and I am not going in there again.
I finally made an appointment with the RE. It is not until January, and it is only a consult for an FET. But I finally did it. I suspect that there will be some unhappiness coming from Hubby. But really, we are not committing to anything yet. It is also two months away.
I actually said “no” to something! The church asked if I would serve as an elder in the church, and I just cannot do it. A part of me wanted to say yes, but I do not have the time or the energy right now. Besides, I have other things I want to pursue. (See above!)
I think Little Guy is finally on the way to sleep. I do not hear crying, and that is a good sign,
I am actually making an effort to record food on myfitnesspal. I am not perfect, but I need to do something.
My mother is trying a homeopathic HCG diet. It really restricts calories, which I think is good. The rest I think is bogus. The idea of using HCG for weight loss, even diluted, rubs me the wrong way.
Really not looking forward to daylight saving time. Little Guy is an early riser, and DST will switch his bedtime to 445 AM, rather than 545 AM. Child needs to learn to sleep in! I hope the adjustment goes quickly. I do not want to wake up before 5 AM for very long.
And now it is dinner time! Time with the Hubby!
