I know I am better because I am sick again, and I am not taking it as a personal attack.  I am definitely not happy about being sick, but I am trying to tolerate it.  It is frustrating because about the time I start to feel better and feel like things will get back to normal, I get sick again.  Very frustrating!  Really looking forward to cold and season being over.

I think I am going to start looking at floor jobs.  Not my favorite, but there is a possibility I could work my way up to an ICU and possibly manage CRNA school several years down the road.  At least I would have a goal in mind.  And maybe I would find that I am better at it than I thought.  It is still hard leaving something I know I am good at and I enjoy and doing something so completely different.

We are going out to look at houses in C-burg and surrounding areas tomorrow.  It is our first look, so no decisions will be made.  I am looking at it as low pressure.  Just us and the real estate agent trying to figure out what we want and what we like.

I sort of like the idea of giving up something for Lent, despite the fact that I am presbyterian.  I have not give up something for lent in a couple years, and I regretted it.  There is no one thing that I can realistically cut out of my diet.  So this year, I decided for lent that I would give up calories.  On myfitnesspal, I switched my weight loss goal to 2 pounds a week.  It gives me about 1300 calories before exercise.  That seems do-able without being starving.  I will probably go back to the 1 pound a week goal after lent, but I thought this would help me by seeing some results, not only in the scale, but in my body as well.

Speaking of weight loss, I did actually lose weight this week.  Only about a pound, but still.  it is something.  It is so damn hard to lose weight with PCOS.  It can get really discouraging.

I have decided to cut calories from my diet.  I am not losing any weight at my current calorie goal on myfitnesspal, so I am cutting some out.  Hopefully that will get me going again.  I have to do something.  I feel like I am losing the same five pounds over and over.  Not fun.

Little Guy enjoyed the snow we had the weekend.  We took him out to play in it for a while this morning, and he really enjoyed it.  Of course it is all starting to melt now, and will likely be gone by tomorrow.  But we can enjoy it while it lasts.

Back to work tomorrow, then see my counselor on Wednesday.  May go house hunting on Friday.  If Hubby’s schedule allows.

Every time I get sick (which feels like every other week), I just feel more beaten down.  So now I feel queasy and shaky and down.  Not a good combo.  And I do not want to work out because I get tired and dizzy just walking around the house.  That only makes things worse.

Checked my bank balance today.  It only depressed me further.  Almost my entire paycheck is going to insurance.  I getting less than $100 per paycheck once everything is taken out.  I just want to cry.

My therapist suggested putting off my job search until my medication starts working.  Which makes sense.  I do not seem to be doing a lot of rational thinking lately.  But I really need to work.  It makes things easier financially, which makes everything less stressful.  Sort of a rock and a hard place.  And to make things more interesting, I got a rejection letter from a job I figured I did not get.  It always hurts to get rejected, even from something you figured you would be rejected from anyway.  (See, not exactly rational.)  I also have a sinking feeling that I am going to end up in a night shift job, as that is all that seems to be available.  Not sure how to avoid it without looking in Roanoke.

In other news. I started my regular dose of well.butrin today.  Hopefully I will see some difference by the end of the week.  And hopefully this sickness will pass quickly.  Still hanging on, even if it is just by my fingernails.

Energy is very low.  Hoping child takes a long nap so that I can get some rest.

I plan on going to running group this evening.  Hoping things feel better after the run.  They usually do.

Running is how I am hanging on and functioning.  Though I still feel like I am forcing myself to get through the day.  (Definitely forcing myself to go work out!)

I have heard with antidepressants that things sometimes get worse before it gets better.  Hoping this is the darkest it gets.  I have one more day of lower dose well.butrin, then I go up to my regular dose.

Therapist recommended not doing any major life decision making until the medication kicks in and gets to therapeutic levels.  Makes sense, and it is one less thing for me to deal with.  Though finances are low right now, and that is stressing everyone out.

Off to lie down and rest while I can.  Things will be better after a run later.

So far, so good, with well.butrin.  I am on a lower dose this week, and I go up a little to my regular dose at the end of the week.  I think my GP was a little worried I would be sensitive to it, and wanted to be safe.  As I have said before, it actually feels better just taking it, because I know that I will feel better soon.  That gives me hope, and hope is what I need.

SSRIs sort of freak me out a little, because my mother had issues with it when I was little.  (Of course, she had a lot of issues, bulimia being one of them, so the problems she had with pro.zac may have been one plate in a smorgasboard of crap.)  Also, I do not need much, just a slight mood lift so I can see my way out of the darkness.  When you are down in it, it is difficult to see anything.  Even if I could see my way out, I have no energy to actually do it.  So well.butrin is probably a good choice for me.  I need energy, and I need to feel good enough to make my way back to the light.

Dragged my butt to the gym this morning.  I ran 1/2 mile intervals at about 10:15 pace.  Thoughts come up as I run.  One thing which really frustrates me right now is that I feel like I cannot trust my body.  (Does this sound familiar to anyone?  This does seem to be running theme in IF.  At least for me.)

Some backstory here…I have some health issues I am trying to work my way through.

I have had two events involving my heart.  Supraventricular tachycardia (SVT) is a really fast heartbeat, over 200 bpm.  The heart pumps too fast to actually pump any blood.  One event occurred when I was pregnant, the other event occurred earlier this year.  This is not enough to make a cardiologist do much of anything because it does not really occur often enough to affect my life.  (Though I have been told to stay away from sudafed.)  But it is pretty scary when it does occur.  It feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest, and I feel dizzy.  Not fun.

I am also trying to lose weight,so we can do a FET to try for a second child.  I have been counting calories, and trying to eat better.  It helps that Hubby is doing this with me, so he is able to keep me on track.  I also have a definite goal, which is also helpful.

Last fall I started running, and I found I really like it.  It makes me feel good.  I feel strong when I run.  I want to run longer and faster, and in order to do that I need to push my body some.

Now back to my thoughts…

I feel like I cannot trust my body.

I am scared to push too hard when I work out, because I am afraid I may throw my heart into an SVT rhythm. I am trying to work my way through it.  I keep telling myself that the heart is supposed to beat harder when you are working out, as oxygen needs to get to the heart.  And neither of the SVT events occurred while I was working out.  Logically I know this, but I still get freaked out.  I am trying to run through it.  That is part of the reason I have been doing intervals.

On the weight loss front, the scale has been at the same damn number for the last couple of weeks, and will not move.  It is very discouraging.  If it does not move when I weigh in on Wednesday, I am going to have to change something.  I know I should not get too hung up on a number, but it is still frustrating.  I have been doing this for a couple of weeks, and I should not have hit a plateau, yet.

I hate not being able to get my body to do what I want it to.  Makes me feel like I lost, and the only person I am competing against is myself.

I know that I am seeing this through the lens of depression, so my point of view may be skewed.

I see my counselor on Wednesday.  I seem to have a lot of issues to work through.

I feel a little better going on the antidepressant.  At least there is hope that I will feel better soon, and have the energy to work my way out of this darkness.

I am still keeping up with the exercise, and I ran and walked a total of 2.5 miles this morning.  I started doing 1/2 mile intervals at the gym, and my pace during the intervals was around 10:15.  Pretty decent, I think.

I am trying to decide how much of this depression I should blog about.  It can get repetitive and down, but I suspect I was already repetitive and dark.  At least I am finally getting help and trying something new.  So hopefully things will change.  We can only hope.

I am also tempted to post to Band Back Together, because this moderate clinical depression I have is painful and hard.  I suspect it is more common than many people realize, and it is comforting to know that you are not alone.  It is difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning, difficult to find the energy to make it through the day, and hard to maintain a positive outlook.  Exercise helps.  I will feel normal for a few hours after a workout, but usually will be tired again after a couple hours.  I feel like I am fighting my way through every day, and that gets exhausting.  I am tired of fighting.

Blogging my journey could help someone.  At the very least, it will probably help me.

The fact that I have depression is difficult for me to admit.

Things have gotten to the point where it is really hard to get through the day.  I feel like I am holding things together, but only by the tips of my fingers.  Things are not too bad, but I feel like they are.  And I feel like there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I am doing all the things I should be doing.  Exercising, getting outside when I can, staying connected.  I do not think I could be doing anything else to shake it.  I am doing everything “right” and I am still feel like I am barely holding on.

The counselor I talked to seemed to think that it was unrelieved stress causing my depression,which makes sense to me, as there is a lot going on in my life right now.  I am trying to find a new job, move to a different area, and lose weight all while trying to care for a very active 2 year old by myself most days.  That is probably enough to make most people a little nuts.

The counselor thought that I could benefit from a antidepressant.  She is probably right.  I am so tired of fighting through my days.  But after consulting Dr Google, I have to say that I am a little freaked out by taking them.  Some of the side effects are wicked.  And many of the experiences I read about for antidepressants were from people taking them for years.  That really freaks me out.  I hope I do not need them that long.  I hope to not be on them more than 6 months.  I think that could be possible with therapy.  I just need a little lift to get me through this.  Whatever the hell “this’” is.

Anyone have any experiences with antidepressants? Did it help?  What about side effects?  Were the side effects awful?  How long did you have to take it?  Was it difficult to stop?

I want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I just want a better idea as so what I am getting myself into.

I have yet another cold.  It seems as soon as I start to feel better, another cold moves in.  So I cannot breathe yet again.  This also means that Little Guy is also sick, so he has been waking up in the middle of the night.

Job search is unsuccessful.  Everything that is out there is either night shift or day shift with call, neither of which I want.  I taking the desperate measure of applying for a school nurse position.  We will see what happens with that.   Of course I have to actually get the application in.  The damn website will not let me apply for the job, despite my BSN degree, and other certifications I have.  I think all of my education confused it.

In my current job, I am orienting to PACU, which means a lot of time in the PACU, and none in the OR.  Sigh.  I miss OR.

Anyway, that is all that is going on here.  Which is to say, same stuff.

Really hoping February is a lot better.

The year started with child getting croup, and mommy losing sleep.

Then we had a trip which admittedly went better than expected, but it was still stressful.

The trip also included a visit to the RE, which was also stressful.

After we get back, I realize my bank account is very low, another source of stress.

I decide I ought to start looking for a new job.  Job searching is rather stressful.

Then we get back and I start to get my feet under me again, and everyone gets sick.  And it is the cold from hell.

And I decide to convert the crib to a toddler bed.  More lost sleep.  Maybe not the best idea while we are sick, but I figure I am going to be up at night anyway, may as well deal with it all at once.

Oh, and I am expecting my period any day now.  Because I know AF will want to join in all this fun.

And I suspect I have a bit of SAD.  Not making dealing with all of this any easier.

There is still a little over a week left in the month.  I just know something terrible is going to happen during that week.

I am so over January, but I am willing to overlook this awful month if February is a lot better.  And it better be a damn good month.

But…

I am way larger than any of these ladies.  I probably outweigh them by at least 50 pounds.  I have also been overweight since my teens.  The lowest I can remember weighing was right before my IVF cycle I weighed around 185.  My guess is that is probably where the largest of these ladies are.  (If that.)

Being overweight for so long sort of skews your perspective.  I have tried everything, and I know what I want to do and I know what works for me.  I know how to lose weight.  I just need to do it.  At this point my my life, I cannot imagine being thin.  I just want to be under 200 pounds.  180 is my goal weight, and that will still make me overweight.  It is just depressing how heavy I am.

I have found that I have to be a little bit hungry in order to lose weight.  This is uncomfortable and scary.  I think I have to do this because I cannot trust my body.  And I hate it.

Not only am I infertile and unable to trust my girly parts, I have a weight problem so I cannot even trust my body to know when it is full.  It is just not fair.

I hate that I cannot seem to get the scale to budge.  I lost a pound this week, but it was over several scales so I am not counting on it.  If I lose weight next week, I will feel more like I am starting to accomplish something.

I am running, I am trying to eat more fruits and veggies, and I am recording my food to make sure I decrease my calorie intake.  I am doing all the stuff I need to to lose weight.  It just takes forever and a damn day to see any sort of result.  Throw the monthly PMS weight gain in the mix, and I am just ready to give up.  Every time I start to see a result, water weight completely negates any loss I may have had.

I have to get my food under control, though.  I know this extra weight is holding me back.  I will be a better runner, better able to keep up with my very active son, and better able to work as a operating room nurse.  And better able to handle a FET cycle and a pregnancy.

I just hate feeling like I am rolling a large stone up a hill.