Yup, that sucked
31 Mar 2012 2 Comments
Still hate traveling, and resent the fact that I have to do it. It is just too damn hard on me, and the fallout with the child is not fun either. Now I have an overtired toddler who will not go to sleep, and is crying. Granted he is crying in his crib, so that is something.
I got very little sleep last night because child kept waking up, and the would not go back to sleep. My family was not helping by coming in and checking on him. I know they were excited to see him, but we are left with an over tired child.
We ended up leaving after lunch because I was barely able to function. I was not good company, and could barely think straight. Then child did not nap much in the car. So now we have a very, very overtired child who refuses to go to sleep. I finally just let him CIO because I have less patience than I usually do. But that is probably what I needed to do, anyway.
Damn it.
I think I finally hear silence…Nope, still fighting it. But the crying is tapering off. Finally! Hopefully this does not mean that he is causing trouble in his room. (Which is the other option for my wild child.)
Nope, I think I hear him stirring, but I am leaving it for Hubby to handle. Unfortunately that never works, so I am probably going to have to go in there an get him off to sleep.
Staging
21 Mar 2012 2 Comments
We really need to put our house on the market.
This means staging our house. Which means moving things to a storage unit, purging, and consolidating.
I actually sort of enjoy getting rid of stuff, so I know I can do it. I am just not sure I can do it with a toddler underfoot. It is usually all I can do to keep the house clean and put food on the table. And every time I put something in the giveaway pile, child finds it and does not want to let it go. So I have to do all purging on the sly. That makes it much more difficult.
I am thinking I may make use of our day care provider, and use my parents over the weekend, too. Hopefully it will be better than I think, but I doubt it.
So far I have made lists of things that need to get done for each room. I have also made a trip to goodwill and started another goodwill pile. This week is just too busy get much done. I am hoping that next week will be better.
Also does not help that I am sick. Again. Just enough to make me feel a little under the weather. I was hoping that I would be over this once the weather started getting warmer. I am going to slog through anyway, and pretend I am not really sick. I just do not want to be sick any more
I also signed up for another 5K. I wanted to run something around my birthday, so I signed up for the Blossom to Bottle 5K. It takes place at a local winery and orchard, and it looks like it will be a beautiful setting. And I can bring wine home from the race! Who does not like that?
Two things
16 Mar 2012 2 Comments
Two things are happening this week.
We are looking at houses in Radford, a town we love and would love living there again.
Next Thursday I have an interview for a day shift ICU position in a hospital convenient to Radford.
I am not sure I should even hope it works out, but hope is there anyway.
There is always one, isn’t there?
08 Mar 2012 2 Comments
I was at my Mother’s group business meeting this morning, and there was a member there who vary rudely interrupted the meeting trying to bring up business, (which was already sort of on the agenda) and then argue about it. The president was willing to talk about it after the meeting (which was an appropriate time to discuss it), but the person stomped off immediately after the meeting. (This person also could have mentioned it to the president before the meeting instead of interrupting the meeting, but apparently wanted the attention instead.) And during the meeting, she checked her email and flipped through her planner the entire time.
This particular person loves to complain, but does not want to do anything about it. Because she “has already done her time on the board.” For example: she complains that the babysitting co-op she set up is not being used, even though she did not use it herself. (It is not being used because no one has any interest in it, despite announcements in the meeting and in the newsletter.)
I suspect the biggest problem is that the group is different than when she was president on the board. It is a different group of people with different priorities. She has older children (both are in school), and most of the moms involved in the group have children under three. I think she just cannot let go. She does not make many overtures to newer members, and does not seem to want to get involved in group activities at all. She wants to stay with her clique.
The disruption gave me a bad taste in my mouth about the meeting. Though the speaker talked about love and logic parenting, I could not focus on the first part of the talk because I was so mad at what that person did. (Though, I think I need to get a Love and Logic parenting book. It seems like a great way to parent.)
I just had to get this off my chest.
BTW, I am doing better. I am sleeping better, and generally feeling better. Though AF made her appearance today. I am going to chill on the couch for a bit and let my ibuprofen kick in before doing much else. Maybe I will just chill the rest of nap time. Clothes can be folded later.
Can’t sleep.
03 Mar 2012 2 Comments
in Big Blue
Child woke up about 3:30 AM, and I have not been able to get back to sleep. I have been lying in bed for the past hour and a half, tossing and turning. I just want to cry. My mind will not turn off. And because I did not get enough sleep, I am going to feel miserable today.
I am worried about everything. Being able to get a job that works for me (read, not night shift), finding a house which works for us, working through my depression, caring for my wild child. All while making an effort to keep what little sanity I have left. Because there just is not that much sanity left.
I cannot be a stay at home mom. I just cannot do it. I also cannot work nights, and there seem to be no day shift positions available, and nothing available in the hospitals in the NRV.. Everything is nights. I just cannot do nights. I could probably go back to my old job in the OR at Big Hospital, but I think that place has gone downhill even more since I left, and I really do not want to take call. More people have left, which makes me think that not much has changed.
I will keep looking because that is all I can do. But it is very discouraging. And I have no money. I cannot pay my credit card bill, I am pretty much only able to pay for gas for my car. I cannot even go get my hair cut and colored because I cannot afford it.
I hate feeling stuck. There is not much I can do except what I am already doing. Which does not make me feel much better.
I am doing everything I can, and I feel like it is not enough.
Lovely.
02 Mar 2012 2 Comments
in Big Blue
Child is destroying his room instead of napping because I have no patience for his toddler stuff today. I just want him to calm down and go to sleep. Apparently that is too much to ask today.
Hopefully he will go to sleep eventually. I am over it. I just want to lie down and take a break. That may be what I do.
Every nap time feels like a battle. I am tired of it. Literally and figuratively.
I have meant to do a post about how my counseling is going, but I have not had the time or the energy. Hopefully I will get to it this weekend. I have some stuff I need to work through, and getting it out of my head onto paper may help. I may also actually journal about it on paper so that I have something to take into my counseling sessions with me.
This morning was not the best. I got out of the house later than I wanted to, and had to deal with all sorts of stuff this morning. Grocery shopping, house cleaner, and grandparents. And coordinating things so that everything could happen at the right time. I left the house without drinking coffee this morning because I was so out of sorts. I do not feel like I have ever caught up.
I think I need a break. I just wish the child was more accommodating.
I think this nap time is going to be about rest for me. I am going to curl up with a dumb romance novel and just rest. And let the child destroy his damn room. I get all tense when I walk in there and even try to deal with it. As long as he stays in his room, I do not care any more.
Edit: After he knocked over the humidifier, I went in there and held him down in order to get him to calm down. (Not hard, just enough to keep him in place.) He was not happy about it, but he was really, really tired. He got to sleep not long after he finished crying. I probably should have done that sooner. I hate to do it, though.
Yuck.
25 Feb 2012 1 Comment
I am a little tired of feeling my snot run down the back of my throat. Not to mention, it tastes nasty.
Um, that may have been a little too much info, but I just had to get that off my chest.
I woke up this morning croaking. This is the second weekend in a row I have felt too sick to work out, and I hate it. I work up a sweat just walking around the house picking up clutter and doing chores. Not to mention, I cannot breathe.
I just want to cry because I just want two weeks to pass without coming down with something. Apparently that is too much to ask right now.
I do have a theory, though. I suspect it is stress contributing to all the sickness. Stress can depress the immune system, and cause you to be more susceptible to illness. That may be the problem. If I could just feel better, I feel like I could recover. I know, that is a bit circular so I doubt it will happen.
Small comfort, though, when all I want to do is feel well and go for a run.
It is not all bad, though. We went house hunting yesterday, and found a great house. The location is perfect, and the house is beautiful and very recently renovated. I think we were both shocked that we found a great house our first time out. It may not work out for many reasons, so I am not going to count on it. But it is a great house.
Now I just need to find a job. There are some day shift floor possibilities at the hospital in Roanoke, but nothing in the hospitals in NRV. I will try applying for those, and hope that I do not have to work any night shifts. Fingers crossed something will work out.
Getting better…Sort of
23 Feb 2012 1 Comment
in Big Blue
I definitely feel a lift. I no longer feel like the world is out to get me, and I can work through all the stuff I need to work through.
I know I am better because I am sick again, and I am not taking it as a personal attack. I am definitely not happy about being sick, but I am trying to tolerate it. It is frustrating because about the time I start to feel better and feel like things will get back to normal, I get sick again. Very frustrating! Really looking forward to cold and season being over.
I think I am going to start looking at floor jobs. Not my favorite, but there is a possibility I could work my way up to an ICU and possibly manage CRNA school several years down the road. At least I would have a goal in mind. And maybe I would find that I am better at it than I thought. It is still hard leaving something I know I am good at and I enjoy and doing something so completely different.
We are going out to look at houses in C-burg and surrounding areas tomorrow. It is our first look, so no decisions will be made. I am looking at it as low pressure. Just us and the real estate agent trying to figure out what we want and what we like.
I sort of like the idea of giving up something for Lent, despite the fact that I am presbyterian. I have not give up something for lent in a couple years, and I regretted it. There is no one thing that I can realistically cut out of my diet. So this year, I decided for lent that I would give up calories. On myfitnesspal, I switched my weight loss goal to 2 pounds a week. It gives me about 1300 calories before exercise. That seems do-able without being starving. I will probably go back to the 1 pound a week goal after lent, but I thought this would help me by seeing some results, not only in the scale, but in my body as well.
Speaking of weight loss, I did actually lose weight this week. Only about a pound, but still. it is something. It is so damn hard to lose weight with PCOS. It can get really discouraging.
Better
20 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
It is a better day. Gastritis is gone, though it has now passed to Hubby, who is pretty miserable. Hoping he feels better later tonight. I am back to the fog of depression, which I was able to clear slightly by a 2 mile run at the gym this morning. (At about a 12:15 pace. I probably really ought to run longer, but I wanted to get back home.)
I have decided to cut calories from my diet. I am not losing any weight at my current calorie goal on myfitnesspal, so I am cutting some out. Hopefully that will get me going again. I have to do something. I feel like I am losing the same five pounds over and over. Not fun.
Little Guy enjoyed the snow we had the weekend. We took him out to play in it for a while this morning, and he really enjoyed it. Of course it is all starting to melt now, and will likely be gone by tomorrow. But we can enjoy it while it lasts.
Back to work tomorrow, then see my counselor on Wednesday. May go house hunting on Friday. If Hubby’s schedule allows.
Sick and tired
18 Feb 2012 1 Comment
Again. I suspect I picked up Little Guy’s gastritis he had over the past day or two, as I have been changing all the poopy diapers. He is feeling better now, and at least it happened on a weekend when Hubby is home.
Every time I get sick (which feels like every other week), I just feel more beaten down. So now I feel queasy and shaky and down. Not a good combo. And I do not want to work out because I get tired and dizzy just walking around the house. That only makes things worse.
Checked my bank balance today. It only depressed me further. Almost my entire paycheck is going to insurance. I getting less than $100 per paycheck once everything is taken out. I just want to cry.
My therapist suggested putting off my job search until my medication starts working. Which makes sense. I do not seem to be doing a lot of rational thinking lately. But I really need to work. It makes things easier financially, which makes everything less stressful. Sort of a rock and a hard place. And to make things more interesting, I got a rejection letter from a job I figured I did not get. It always hurts to get rejected, even from something you figured you would be rejected from anyway. (See, not exactly rational.) I also have a sinking feeling that I am going to end up in a night shift job, as that is all that seems to be available. Not sure how to avoid it without looking in Roanoke.
In other news. I started my regular dose of well.butrin today. Hopefully I will see some difference by the end of the week. And hopefully this sickness will pass quickly. Still hanging on, even if it is just by my fingernails.
