Just put me out of my misery…

I do not think I can take much more of this. Honestly, I feel like the only symptoms I have are from the progesterone. Mainly hot flashes. The nausea has decreased dramatically, though I am still bloated and irritable. (Here is a tip: Don’t piss me off right now. It ain’t pretty.) I have a hunch that once I stop the progesterone, all my symptoms will disappear. I had the thought today that all will be better once my period shows up. I feel like I just need to stop the progesterone, so that I can have my period and move on to the next thing. (Yes, I will do tonight’s progesterone shot. Not to worry!)

Fortunately, I do not have a lot of this torture time left. I get my blood drawn tomorrow morning before work, and I may get a message on my phone by lunch. I did manage to switch my schedule around so that I only have to work 8 hours tomorrow, instead of 12. I do not know what I would have done if I had to work that long shift. A wonderful co-worker took my shift for me. I adore her. (And not just for taking my shift, I actually like to work with her.)

I hope it is a good result. There is definitely part of me that is hoping for a good outcome. That being said, it is difficult for me to imagine a positive. I just cannot do it. Everything up to now has been negative. All of the IUIs we tried, both with fresh semen, and frozen semen, clomid and injectables. All turned out negative. Why should this be any different? It will feel like yet another rejection in a long line of similar rejections. Because the one constant is that I always get my period. I am sure this cycle will be no different. Once I stop the progesterone, nature will take its course, and the red tide will arrive. Just like every month.

The Wizard had a lot of good things to say about this cycle, but it all comes down to the past nine days, and how my body responds. One thing which IF takes away from you is trust in what your body is telling you, and trust that your body can do this one thing you really want it to do. It is hard for me to have faith in my own body’s reproductive abilities. Just wanting it to happen does not make it so. Many of us know this all too well.

IF can make you feel broken, and the only way to feel whole is to have a child, somehow, someway.

Tomorrow I will know if I move on to FET, or if this cycle actually took. Just put me out of my misery.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. 'Murgdan'
    May 06, 2009 @ 23:22:00

    Ohhhh…hang in there. This is the HARDEST part I think…Thinking of you.

    Reply

  2. just me, dawn
    May 06, 2009 @ 23:33:00

    tonight is the toughest night of the wait. I will be thinking of you, sharing some of my hope 🙂

    Reply

  3. Queenie. . .
    May 07, 2009 @ 01:54:00

    I hope you quickly fall into a deep sleep tonight and don’t wake until the am, and the night passes in a flash. And I hope for good news tomorrow.And if this one doesn’t work, the Wizard has a lot of good info to work with, and he can tweak things for next cycle. Best of luck, and lots of hope that you don’t need the wizard, though!

    Reply

  4. ~Jess
    May 07, 2009 @ 02:33:00

    As Queenie said, I hope the night quickly passes with only good news in the morning.I am hoping and praying for you so hard *hugs*

    Reply

  5. andrea
    May 07, 2009 @ 11:46:00

    i hope today brings some good news!

    Reply

  6. Infertility is Hard
    May 07, 2009 @ 12:23:00

    Thinking of you, and wishing you the best of luck!

    Reply

  7. wereyoulookingforme
    May 07, 2009 @ 15:40:00

    I’m hoping you get a BFP to put you out of this misery. Though that would mean the progesterone would continue…but for an excellent reason. good luck!

    Reply

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