Openness.

Mel recently had a post on Blogher about announcing pregnancy after infertility. I have thought some about this recently because I have been very open about my IVF, at least with my co-workers. Because of this, a good number of people at work know about the results of my IVF cycle. Which translates to mean that a lot of people know that I am pregnant. On one hand I sort of like it because it means that there are a lot of people looking out for me. (It is especially nice that the charge nurses know. They have a tendency to be nicer to me!) On the other hand, I find it really annoying because it would have been nice to keep it quiet, at least for a little bit. Had I given it some thought, I probably could have kept it quieter by telling people I was still waiting. I probably could have stretched it out to 8-10 weeks before I actually told anyone. But, as many of us know, IVF is stresful. Hearing beta results is stressful, whether they are positive or negative. I do not do my best thinking when I am under stress. Also, I think I was pretty excited to actually be pregnant. I deserved at least a little bit of excitement.

Just to be clear:
I do not know how much my readers know about ORs. But we work very closely together every day. Because we work closely together, we gossip. Well, we can get bored during long procedures, and what else is there to do? There is no escaping it. This means that almost the entire OR knows (at least that is the way that it feels). That is quite a feat for my very large OR.

One thing I find really annoying about having so many people know about the pregnancy is that most people do not seem to understand my reaction to the news, or lack of reaction. I think I come across as more reserved than other people would be. This really confuses some people. Some of my co-workers actually understand, and do not push me too much. They get it because they have had other friends who went through infertility. Others want to make a big deal about it. Those co-workers I just want to smack. It comes across to me like they do not really care about my journey to get there, and simply want to celebrate in the pregnancy. I try to explain that it is a post-IVF pregnancy and that I am sort of freaked out by it, and they just look at me blankly. They have no concept of what I went through to get to this point.

I am not really ready to get excited about this yet. I can feel excitement growing inside me, but it is slow in coming. It it still very unbelievable to me right now. I still have the urge to POAS to verify that I am actually still pregnant, despite the fact that I am falling asleep on the couch every night, and the nausea is just annoying if I do not manage it properly. I also have twinges in my abdomen, my tits are sore, and I am very ditzy and irritable. All proper pregnancy symptoms. And in case you are interested, HPT this morning indicates that I am still pregnant.

I think I have a right to have reservations about the fact that I am pregnant. I know exactly what can happen during the first trimester. I have seen too many women in the community miscarry. I know I have several risk factors for miscarriage. There is a chance I could lose the pregnancy. And if that happens, then all of my co-workers will know. That scares the crap out of me. All I can do it take it one day at a time.

For the most part, though, it has not been too awful having so many people know. They do care, in their own way, and all are happy for me. All are encouraging, despite my vocal misgivings. I just wish I could stop the advice. Too many people want to tell me what to do now that I am pregnant, and how to do it. It has also been strange comparing pregnancy symptoms with other pregnant women. Granted, they are a month or two (or more) ahead of me, but they are a couple of women who understand what it took to get me here, so talk with them has mostly been physical symptoms and dealing with hubbies. Nothing too drastic, and both understand the IF thing. That has actually been sort of nice.

And because I think I need it:
My gratitude for today…

  • I am still pregnant
  • I have today and the entire Memorial Day weekend off, despite the fact I volunteered to work. With no call, either!
  • I think I will get a pedicure this morning. Good to pamper the toes!
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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. annacyclopedia
    May 22, 2009 @ 21:45:46

    It’s something everyone has to figure out for themselves, and it sounds like you’ve done a good job balancing out the pros and cons. The thing about telling is that it doesn’t matter when you do it – some people will always be annoying, either because they don’t get what it took to get here, or they are just generally full of assvice and want to talk about stuff that you’re not cool with talking about with them. I found that a lot, even though we didn’t go public until 13 weeks – people I know but would never talk about intimate physical stuff want to know in detail how I’m feeling, and I just don’t want to have that conversation with them, ever! But I’m glad you have some real life support and hope you can just ignore the ones who are clueless. Have a great weekend off!

    Reply

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