I have been thinking about scars lately.
I recently had a keloid scar revised( for the second time). The revision was followed by radiation treatment to help the area heal properly. Amazingly it has worked. It looks like it is going to heal well, and the scar will be almost invisible. Which is amazing to me.
For those who do not know, a keloid is an overgrowth of scar tissue. I suspect I got it from a really bad sunburn in high school. The keloid in question was very large, red, angry looking, and on my chest. So everyone could see it if I wore anything with a low-ish neckline. I have had many people ask me what I had done.
The first time I had this scar revised, it did not heal properly. The sutures popped open, and the scar ended up going keloid again. (I suspect the sutures popped because of chasing a very active toddler.)
The second time the scar was revised, the doc put in in three layers of sutures. She was determined that the wound was not going to pop open again. She also had to cut deeper and wider to get the scar out. (Thank goodness for local numbing meds!
One thing which surprised me about the healing process was how often the sutures get tugged on. It took a little over a week for me to stop feeling the tug of sutures. It was a very strange feeling. I could see that the scar was healing on the surface, but I could feel that it was not quite healed underneath. I still feel a tug on it sometimes even now.
It also made me realize how deep the scar really was. I think I did not realize how deep the scar grew.
It made me think about infertility. Infertility has definitely left a scar on my life. And I think it left deeper scars than I expected.
I can still feel like less of a woman because I cannot get pregnant without a team of medical professionals. I suspect this is why being in the presence of a pregnant woman still wigs me out a little, despite the fact I have been pregnant myself. I am more comfortable with it now, and I can be happy for them. But it still gives me a tug of jealousy.
There are a couple of pregnant women at church, one of whom gave birth around the same time I did. And I just know that she got pregnant naturally. It is so easy for them, and so hard for me. I think on some level, I am also still mourning the inability to naturally conceive. That took me by surprise. Maybe I will always have the feeling.
We infertiles have to think about things that fertiles never have to think of. For Hubby and I, going to our RE involves travel across the state. We have to accommodate doctors appointments just to have a chance at getting pregnant. We also have to be in a place financially where we can afford to try to get pregnant.
Secondary infertility after primary infertility is a challenge simply because you know what is in store for you. And you have to be able to do it with a little one in tow, which adds new challenges.
Then there are the holidays, and the bitterness which underlies the celebration.
It seems like every piece of my life has been touched by infertility.
Scars do heal, but they leave a mark.