I have been thinking about scars lately.

I recently had a keloid scar revised( for the second time).  The revision was followed by radiation treatment  to help the area heal properly.  Amazingly it has worked.  It looks like it is going to heal well, and the scar will be almost invisible.  Which is amazing to me.

For those who do not know, a keloid is an overgrowth of scar tissue.  I suspect I got it from a really bad sunburn in high school.  The keloid in question was very large, red, angry looking, and on my chest.  So everyone could see it if I wore anything with a low-ish neckline.  I have had many people ask me what I had done.

The first time I had this scar revised, it did not heal properly.  The sutures popped open, and the scar ended up going keloid again.  (I suspect the sutures popped because of chasing a very active toddler.)

The second time the scar was revised, the doc put in in three layers of sutures.  She was determined that the wound was not going to pop open again.  She also had to cut deeper and wider to get the scar out.  (Thank goodness for local numbing meds!

One thing which surprised me about the healing process was how often the sutures get tugged on.  It took a little over a week for me to stop feeling the tug of sutures.  It was a very strange feeling.  I could see that the scar was healing on the surface, but I could feel that it was not quite healed underneath.  I still feel a tug on it sometimes even now.

It also made me realize how deep the scar really was.  I think I did not realize how deep the scar grew.

It made me think about infertility.  Infertility has definitely left a scar on my life.  And I think it left deeper scars than I expected.

I can still feel like less of a woman because I cannot get pregnant without a team of medical professionals.  I suspect this is why being in the presence of a pregnant woman still wigs me out a little, despite the fact I have been pregnant myself.  I am more comfortable with it now, and I can be happy for them.  But it still gives me a tug of jealousy.

There are a couple of pregnant women at church, one of whom gave birth around the same time I did.  And I just know that she got pregnant naturally.   It is so easy for them, and so hard for me.  I think on some level, I am also still mourning the inability to naturally conceive.  That took me by surprise.  Maybe I will always have the feeling.

We infertiles have to think about things that fertiles never have to think of.  For Hubby and I, going to our RE involves travel across the state.  We have to accommodate doctors appointments just to have a chance at getting pregnant.  We also have to be in a place financially where we can afford to try to get pregnant.

Secondary infertility after primary infertility is a challenge simply because you know what is in store for you.  And you have to be able to do it with a little one in tow, which adds new challenges.

Then there are the holidays, and the bitterness which underlies the celebration.

It seems like every piece of my life has been touched by infertility.

Scars do heal, but they leave a mark.


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jess
    Nov 20, 2011 @ 16:32:15

    No words….just huge, huge HUGS for you


  2. Blanche
    Nov 21, 2011 @ 05:10:08

    This is excellent, and I vote for Creme de la creme inclusion.


    • vablondie
      Nov 21, 2011 @ 10:23:46

      Aw, thanks so much! I just might do it. This is the first thing I have written this year which I have felt worthy of creme de la creme.


  3. Patience
    Nov 25, 2011 @ 13:53:33

    Thank you for sharing this. So very true to the core. You’ve put into words what many of us have felt. Thank you.


  4. Cherish
    Nov 25, 2011 @ 18:44:09

    (big hugs) So very true.


  5. deathstar44
    Nov 26, 2011 @ 04:36:53

    ICLW 108

    Yes, I can certainly understand how you feel. I never did get pregnant even after 4 IVF attempts. I still wonder what it feels like to be pregnant, and to feel that pride of having birthed my child. Still, I have had my dreams come true with an amazing child through adoption. I’m actually happy, but every now and then I feel the skin on that scar pull a bit.


    • vablondie
      Nov 27, 2011 @ 19:17:02

      Thanks so much for your comment. I am so glad you found happiness and healing. I suspect I will feel tugging on my scars the rest of my life.


  6. Still hoping
    Nov 26, 2011 @ 23:01:37

    Wow… well said. I do think that we will carry the scars of infertility with us the rest of our lives regardless of the outcome. Wounds change you forever.


  7. circlesbecomeme
    Dec 10, 2011 @ 14:52:25

    this rings so so true. Well put. My own infertility literally left a huge scar, and I remember well the pulling and tugging as my scar slowly healed. But until today I hadn’t seen how great a metaphor this is for how everyday activities pull and tug and pinch and just feel differently after infertility has touched your life. Thanks for the lovely post


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