I just can’t let it go…

I seem to keep coming back to this.

I have several FB friends who are pregnant, a mother at my church, relative, a mother in my mother’s group who is about ready to deliver.  And it is the Christmas season, where we are celebrating a pregnancy and the birth of a child.

There seems to be no escape.  Maybe because there is no escape I feel like I have to keep revisiting this.

It makes me feel less than.  It makes me feel empty.  It makes me feel like less of a female to not be able to conceive on our own.  It makes me feel like my body has failed me to have to go back and do the injections and transfer again in order to try for a second child.  Conception is not something my body is able to do, and after over a decade, I still feel ripped off.  Periods are meaningless, because there is no chance of pregnancy without help.  There is no point for birth control for me because I cannot get pregnant without medical help.

In my head, I know that IVF does not fix anything.  It is a work around.  The problems we had before are still going to be there, so there is no reason to expect anything to happen.  But my heart must have been holding out hope for a surprise because I am disappointed that it never happened.  I thought I had let it go, but I guess I have not.  This may be something I have to revisit regularly.

It is frustrating when people do not get what it took for us to conceive and successfully give birth to a child.  My in-laws are especially guilty of this.  They seem to be an uber-fertile group, and do not give any thought to what we had to go through with infertility.  They can be thoughtless in their comments, because they do not take the time to understand.

I know that when we visit in January, they will all be talking about Hubby’s cousin’s pregnancy.  I just do not think I will be able to take too much of it.  And if one person asks is when we will be next, I can tell them about seeing the RE.  That should shut them up.  I suspect the idea of infertility makes them uncomfortable.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. peesticksandstones
    Dec 15, 2011 @ 01:06:28

    I can definitely relate to so much of this — and have been finding myself start to pull away from a lot from the mom-friends I have made while enjoying my son’s first two years because they are all diving back into being pregnant with #2/or going-to-be-pregnant-any-second land. And I feel like my infertility is so conspicuous again, all of a sudden, when I am surrounded by that.


    • vablondie
      Dec 15, 2011 @ 03:03:50

      Thanks for the reply! It is so hard being lapped by other mothers. It does not seem to matter whether you have had children or not.


  2. Mrs.X
    Dec 15, 2011 @ 23:05:53

    I’m right there with you. The post-baby shock has worn off and I’m getting that itch again when I see pregnant ladies. I recently saw one who has had three kids in the time it took me to have 1. THREE. I had three pregnancies, just one baby. Makes me want to my bang my head all over again.


    • vablondie
      Dec 16, 2011 @ 00:31:08

      I am not sure why we still get jealous. It just does not seem fair. Hubby’s cousin, who is pregnant with her third, had her first child before she finished high school. (Though she did end up marrying the baby-daddy, so all the children have the same father.) That makes me want to scream.


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