One of these things is not like the others….

I am in a weight loss group started by members of my mother’s group.  These ladies are really nice, and the focus of the group is that everyone wants to be healthier.  This is totally something I can get behind.  I could stand to be healthier.

But…

I am way larger than any of these ladies.  I probably outweigh them by at least 50 pounds.  I have also been overweight since my teens.  The lowest I can remember weighing was right before my IVF cycle I weighed around 185.  My guess is that is probably where the largest of these ladies are.  (If that.)

Being overweight for so long sort of skews your perspective.  I have tried everything, and I know what I want to do and I know what works for me.  I know how to lose weight.  I just need to do it.  At this point my my life, I cannot imagine being thin.  I just want to be under 200 pounds.  180 is my goal weight, and that will still make me overweight.  It is just depressing how heavy I am.

I have found that I have to be a little bit hungry in order to lose weight.  This is uncomfortable and scary.  I think I have to do this because I cannot trust my body.  And I hate it.

Not only am I infertile and unable to trust my girly parts, I have a weight problem so I cannot even trust my body to know when it is full.  It is just not fair.

I hate that I cannot seem to get the scale to budge.  I lost a pound this week, but it was over several scales so I am not counting on it.  If I lose weight next week, I will feel more like I am starting to accomplish something.

I am running, I am trying to eat more fruits and veggies, and I am recording my food to make sure I decrease my calorie intake.  I am doing all the stuff I need to to lose weight.  It just takes forever and a damn day to see any sort of result.  Throw the monthly PMS weight gain in the mix, and I am just ready to give up.  Every time I start to see a result, water weight completely negates any loss I may have had.

I have to get my food under control, though.  I know this extra weight is holding me back.  I will be a better runner, better able to keep up with my very active son, and better able to work as a operating room nurse.  And better able to handle a FET cycle and a pregnancy.

I just hate feeling like I am rolling a large stone up a hill.

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