This time of year….

Ah, Christmas…A time when everyone wants to believe in miracles.

Unless you are a cynical infertile who just cannot believe in them because you have been let down too many times.  Because miracles do not happen to us.

Christmas has been good this year, for the most part.  This is the first year that Little Guy actually “gets” Christmas.  We have been watching Polar Express on continuous loop this month.  He also is loving the tree, the presents, the decorations, the lights.  He sort of gets Santa, but does not know what to make of him.  We still have not done a santa visit, and I am not going to push it.  It has been a lot of fun to see his excitement this year.  I think both Hubby and I are looking forward to Christmas morning.  We fully expect to be woken up sometime between 5 and 6 AM by the Little Guy.

But under it all is the birth story which we are celebrating.  That does not sit well, especially after years of infertility.  Add in the fact that I am waiting for AF’s appearance, and we have a bitter undertone to the entire thing.

This year I would really like a miracle.  I would love to get pregnant without needing a host of health care professionals.  I want that surprise positive.  I wish it would happen.

But I know that it will not.  Instead of waiting for a miracle, I am waiting for another cycle to end.  I just know that AF will show up on Christmas day, just in time for all the festivities.  (Think you are getting a Christmas miracle?  Think again!)  But that is likely the bitterness talking.  Also, PMS is here with a vengance.  I am bloated and irritable and needing to pee all the damn time.

(I have figured out that urinary frequency is a PMS symptom for me, BTW.  The frequency goes away after AF arrives.  Stupidest PMS symptom ever, I think.  Totally makes you think something else is going on.)

All will be better after AF gets here.  Because she always arrives…No miracle babies for me…Unless doctors are involved.

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