Secondary infertility is a bit different than the first time around.

I finally called the RE’s office to make an appointment.  He wants to see me before I cycle (hopefully in March).  It has been over a year since I have seen him, so it makes sense.  I have an appointment at the end of February.

Secondary infertility feels different.  I know what is likely to happen.  I know the ride I am about to get on.  I really want things to line up the way they did the first time around.  Unfortunately, I do not think that is going to happen.  I am in a very different place, in geography, physically, and spiritually.  I finally had to say that I am just going to do it.  If it is going to happen, it will happen no matter what state my body is in.

All I can do is the best I can and hope for the best.  That does not sit very well with my type A tendencies.  I want to weigh less than what I am now.  I want to be healthier than what I am now.  I want things to match the circumstances I had before.  Of course, last time I cycled, I had time to meditate, blog, do self care.  This time around, I have less time for that because I have a child.

In talking with my counselor, she thinks I am probably better than I think I am.  I still run, I am trying to watch what I eat.  I should not be so tied to a number on a scale and focus more on what I can do and how I feel.  I am planning on running one or two 10Ks this year, and this is after I finished the half marathon last fall.  I eat salads at work every day, and eat a lot of food I make myself.  I am trying to get away from most processed food and eat a more whole foods diet.  I am trying to eat more veggies and cut back on bread and dairy and sugar.  How successful I am depends on the day.  Some days are better than others.  I probably do better than most people, but there is still a lot of room for improvement.

I do not like the fact that I have to embrace imperfection when it comes to this.  I think I feel like if I can get things to go perfectly before, then it will increase my chances of actually getting pregnant.  I would like to see more of a weight loss before cycling in March, but I am not sure that is going to happen either.

I am just going to go for it, and see what happens.  Whether I am ready or not…here I go.

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