Little things.

Just fed the dogs tonight.

Gertrude was not there, so I did not have anyone to give medicine to.  Her dog bed is not in the place it usually is.  (We had to use it to transport her to the vet hospital.)

But I see her everywhere.  I see her on the couch where she would lie next to me and I would hold her paw.  (She was not much of a cuddler.)  I see her running across our pasture, full of joy at running so fast.  I see her sniffing around the garden, being careful of all the plants.

I know it was time to let her go.  She had a long life (11 years is really ancient in Dane years!).  She was starting to withdraw from us.  She was not going outside much at all the last couple of days.  She had a really hard time getting up and down.  We had to lift her up on to her feet.

I knew it was coming.  I knew this was a decision I would have to make.  When she could not stand unsupported and could not walk on her own.  I knew it was time.  It was really hard because she just looked so defeated.  She just could not do it anymore.  She looked fine as long as she was lying down on her side.  She would lift her head, and take treats.  She would look at me.

But she could not get up.  And for a big dog, that is it.  If that is not fixable, then that is the end.

She had a good life, and she was a great dog.  I am really glad that she was in our lives.  I am glad she was my first dog.

I am very sorry she gone.  It hurts because I love her so.  But she lives in our hearts now.  I plan on giving myself time to grieve, and I am sure that it will hit me a odd moments, like when I feed the dogs or sit down on the couch.

On the other hand, it is a bit of a relief that it is done.  This decision was hanging over my head for so long.  I cried when I moved her dog bed downstairs, because I knew that she was not coming upstairs again.  I tried to make her time as comfortable as possible.  And we have two dogs to comfort us.  Fortunately, both of them are cuddlers, which can be a little overwhelming.  They are available for petting and cuddles.

I know she is not in pain anymore.  I hope she is running and playing with Oscar up there in dog heaven.  And running across pastures and lying the sun in the tall green grass.  Somehow that makes it a little better.  Time will make it better, too.  I need to be patient with myself and be gentle with myself for a while.

************************************

In IVF news, The Wizard called, and said that everything looks good.  The lab draw for hormone levels I had the day of transfer looks good, so I just need to keep doing what I am doing.  He is rooting for this pregnancy to take.  (As am I!)  Now I am in the 2ww (or 10 day wait).  My beta lab draw is set for April 28.

Fingers crossed it sticks.  Maybe we lost one life to be replaced by another.

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