Changing perspective

I think I would do much better if I was truly happy with whatever happens.

This means letting go of a family of 4, and being happy with a family of 3.  I have always wanted two children, which is a family set up like my own.  We were happy.  I enjoy having a sibling (even though I do not talk to her much, she is on my mind.)  Child really wants a sibling and I want to be able to give him one.  It upsets me that this may not possible.

But I think I need to be happy where we are and think of another child as a bonus.  I think this means, mourning the loss of my expected family.

I am sort of surprised at how devastated I am about this cycle not working.  It really hurts.  It is hard to go on when you feel your heart breaking.  I have a hard time thinking, remembering.  I keep feeling like I want to cry.  Things seem really hopeless.  I thought it would be easier than this.  I am sad about so few of my day 2 embryos making it though thaw.  I am sad we only have about half the embryos we started with now.  (On the bright side, they are all day 5 embryos, which may help with surviving the thaw.  Trying to have a little positive thinking.)  But once these embryos are gone, that is it.  We are not doing another stimulation cycle.  I am just too old.  I turned 40 this year, and that is sort of pushing it in the IVF world.

Hope is a bitch.  I suspect it was my infertility journey which made me sarcastic and cynical.  It was easier to be cynical than admit to having any hope that something will work, or something could work.  Sarcasm and cynicism were my response to the rejection and abuse of infertility.  (Probably working in nursing did not help, either.)  Hope is painful, and infertility can beat it out of you.

I think right now I need time.  Time to mourn my dog passing, time to mourn my family building plans, time to mourn my expectations.

It is so hard letting go.

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