A plan…of sorts.

I think I am going to wait.

I decided to do a half marathon in October and cycle after that.

I hope that the training will make me more fit and healthier.  Which may help with success for the cycle.  With luck I will even drop a little more weight.  I may try to see a GP MD. I wish I could find one I liked.

That will also allow me time to get my head in a better place.  Right now I feel too desperate.  I am almost willing to breach donor embryos to Hubby.  But I am also fairly sure that will not go over well.  I need to be all right with the alternative, and have some idea what I want to do if I do not get pregnant again.  (NP school?  Stay where I am at?)

I am still mourning the loss of a possibility of second child.  I am very sad about the very good possibility that there will not be another child.

I need to be happy with what I have and where I am.

It is hard letting go of an idea.  I always thought that I would have two kids.   I would say, “when I have my second child.”  LIke it is a foregone conclusion that I am having another one.  But it may not happen.

I am sad about possibly not being able to experience childbearing and postpartum without depression.  I may not get to experience a “normal” pregnancy and normal postpartum period.  (Or whatever passes for normal in a cynical infertile.)

My vision of my family I have had since childhood may not come true.  We may only be a family of three.  Right now that makes me really sad and upset.

I also hate how there is not much about this that I can control.  I cannot make the embryo implant.  I can take the meds and pray my body cooperates, and pray that the embryo will implant.  I hate that.  I hate being out of control.

I need to find my zen place about the situation.  I cannot change it.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Journey2TwoPlusOne
    Jun 23, 2014 @ 05:27:47

    I always admire anyone who can do marathons! I can never run for more than 5 minutes. Since starting TTC, I am relieved that my FS told me not to do strenuous exercise, so I only walk, and even that is a chore!
    Good luck, for whatever lies ahead for you. I truly wish you success.


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