Changing direction

I trying to gear up for our last FET.  Which has a good likelihood of not working.  Hubby has said all along that he would rather skip to adoption and not even do the FET.  Already I am having trouble scheduling my pre-cycle check, and child care on transfer day is iffy.  (I was hoping my mom could do it, but stuff with her is hit or miss.)

Hubby wants to do adoption because the last pregnancy was rough.  He sees the hormonal stuff during the cycle and during the pregnancy as hard on me.  I am older than the last time, which means that it will probably be harder.  (But not necessarily.)  The cycle makes me a little crazy, and the possibility of it even working is lower.  He sees adoption as easier physically on me, at least I will be less hormonal.  (Though I suspect the process may drive me batty.)

Family may not fund it, because why fund something which has a good chance of not working?  They may be more likely to help with adoption, which has more support from Hubby.  Hubby has said this all along, but I guess I was not really ready to hear it.

I have already begun to think about adoption.  I have read several books on the process and general info.  I have a couple of agencies I may look at here in Virginia.  We will probably do domestic adoption, as we want to adopt chronologically, and that is going to be much harder internationally.  Agency adoptions I think will be the way we go, as we hope to adopt a baby, and Hubby does not like dealing with social services more than he does already.

Why does letting go have to be so hard?

Anyone have any advice as we move toward adoption and let go of the chance at another biological child?


11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mon
    Mar 09, 2015 @ 04:13:08

    Id most definitely try the FET anyways. If I didn’t, Id forever wonder. We were going to adopt as well (before we got pg), our plan was always two bio and one adopted, unfortunately our adoption agency bankrupted and ran away with all our savings. So that’s on hold until we can save some more. But it still is a huge desire and dream of mine.


    • vablondie
      Mar 10, 2015 @ 09:44:02

      Hubby is really adamant about not getting me pregnant. He really does not want to go through that again. It was a rough pregnancy, and then I had post partum depression afterward for about 2 years before I got help. He would rather adopt than lose me again.


  2. Geochick
    Mar 12, 2015 @ 18:58:48

    We had started (initial application) the adoption process when we did our final IUI. I remember eating lunch with S, a dark cloud hovering over everything, weighed down and heavy. We had decided if that one didn’t work that we were ready to drop kick fertility treatments. Even though My insurance would have covered two more IUIs we couldn’t take spinning our wheels anymore. Granted it’s not like it was all perfect and the right decision. I especially, second guessed the decision to stop a few times. But, reality-wise, it was time to move forward on another path. I can see it being a hard decision to make with a frozen embryo waiting for you. ((Hugs)) only you guys know the right answer. (Doesn’t that suck?)


    • vablondie
      Mar 17, 2015 @ 00:29:42

      Thanks so much for your response. It is hard to move on. And really, it is more like skipping a step, as we would have gone to adoption anyway when the FET did not work.


  3. Rain
    Mar 16, 2015 @ 21:17:48

    We abandoned any hopes of a biological child before moving onto IVF. The thought of spending 20K on IVF and maybe that not resulting in a child was just too much to think about. However, putting that money toward adoption (at the end of which, we would have a child) was comforting. Much like Geochick said, we were done spinning our wheels. My husband never looked back, but I did a few times. Of course, looking at my two boys now…I really can’t imagine anything different. Good luck with your decision.


    • vablondie
      Mar 17, 2015 @ 00:35:00

      Thanks so much for your response. I think we are at a similar point. I suspect the FET would not have worked, as I think it only had a 30-40% chance of success. (Guessing there, and probably exaggerating given my age and health issues.) I think I just wanted to use up the embryos I had left. My hubby does not want me pregnant again and would rather we go straight to adoption. He did not want to chance me getting pregnant again. (He does not want to risk post partum depression again.) It is a bit of a shift, and giving up the idea of pregnancy came sooner than I expected, which is difficult. I suspect that hubby does not realize how hard this actually is for me.


  4. Mrs T
    Mar 17, 2015 @ 15:38:38

    Like Rain & Geochick, we moved onto adoption before exhausting our options. Adoption is hard too, but it was so different mentally/emotionally, and different was such a relief. Good luck changing courses.


  5. Lori Lavender Luz
    Mar 17, 2015 @ 17:21:42

    I’ve been where you are. It was emotionally painful to do this letting go of a dream and figuring out how to best move forward.

    Years after that, my daughter’s birth mom and I wrote a book about open adoption. Agencies around the country are including it on their suggested/required reading lists, and there are portions of it that address where you are now: letting go of the dream and how to find the best agency for you. It’s hardcover and I’m sorry the publisher set the price higher than I’d like, but my hope is that it will be used as a reference book for years to come.

    I wish you well on your journey!


  6. Lois
    Mar 20, 2015 @ 21:17:23

    I don’t have any words of advice. But we are in a very similar situation right now, and it is difficult for me to let go too. My husband was also much more adamant that we stop trying and move to adoption. He was getting really concerned over how hard the treatments were for me– I had a series of bad medical experiences and I got ovarian hyper stimulation with IVF. He had also mourned not having a biological child long before me. We were using sperm donors because he has male factor infertility. Submitting our adoption paperwork released me from all of my questioning, though I’m still mourning (our genes would have done some cool things together). I had an overwhelming feeling that adoption was “right” when I walked out of the office. I haven’t had that for a long time with the IF treatments. I’m over at if you ever want to commiserate.


  7. Rhonda
    Mar 27, 2015 @ 02:31:47

    It’s 5 years ago by now, but my husband was also the one who moved us away from continuing TTC when I still wanted to. It took me a little longer than him, but I did finally fully embrace adoption. However, allow yourself to grieve! I grieved hard – the loss of so many dreams, of never meeting this little person who was supposed to be a little bit of each my husband and I. It hurt so bad. By now we are at the point where we have been approved and waiting to adopt for 2 years, so we’ll see, maybe we’ll have a baby soon, Who knows what God has in store?


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