Hurts.

I hurt, and I am so tired of trying to hold it in and hold it together.  And there is no where for it to go.

Where do you talk about lost possibility?  About not even being able to have the chance at getting it?

I feel like everyone else has what I want.  I am surrounded by pregnant people at work, several people in my family are pregnant.  (One for the second time after IVF.)  I am green with jealousy.  I want that too.  I wish it could just happen for us.  I hate that it will not.  It is not fair.

I am trying hard to let go.  The FET may not work, but it could.  We may end up doing adoption, anyway.  It may be better to put our energy to adoption.  (Which has its own issues.)

But it still hurts not getting a second chance at pregnancy, and trying to do it right this time.  It gave me hope, and it would definitely have given me some closure on the assisted reproduction part.  It hurts not really having any one to talk about this with, other than my counselor.  Hubby is dealing with his own issues around this stuff, and I think I sort of blame him for not being able to move forward.  He does not know what he wants, and is skeptical about a second child.  I really want him to be on the same page as I am.  It is hard to do this stuff if he is not supportive.

Hubby actually has legitimate reasons for not wanting me pregnant again, so I am trying to be all right with adoption.  And I sort of am all right with it.  There are completely different issues with adoption than there are with the FET.  I am hoping the adoption process with help us work through some of those issues.  (Open adoption sort of freaks me out a little, have to honest.)

Maybe part of it is that I have not felt very connected with the hubby.  I have felt rather alone.  He has not been all that available, and that is difficult for me.  Coming off a bad winter, and work being so bad for him, he has felt overwhelmed.  (And maybe a little insecure?)  There is only so much I can do to help with that.  (Especially as I am dealing with the concept of not being pregnant again.)

My mom has not been helpful as she is upset by the whole situation.  I had to tell her to lay off, we will work through this on our own.  My dad has been supportive, as he is happy with whatever happens, because it means another grandchild.

So we are in a waiting game until we figure out what we want to happen.  Our information session with the adoption agency is April 20.  At least that is something.

I hate it.  I hate feeling held back. I just want to pick a path and go for it.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Blanche
    Apr 03, 2015 @ 15:05:45

    It’s so frustrating to be stuck in a holding pattern between possibilities! I hope the session on 20th helps you to move in a positive way.

    Reply

  2. Geochick
    Apr 03, 2015 @ 17:20:32

    Its so hard to make these decisions. ((Hugs)). I hope you two get on the same page soon, but from experience I know that often we weren’t in the same place at the same time.

    About open adoption, read Lori’s book, it goes a long way in demystifying openness in adoption. http://www.lavenderluz.com

    Reply

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