Finding my Zen

I felt very zen about everything yesterday and today.  (Pretty much.)

I had the thought that I am not sure whether I really want it to work or not.  This cycle is definitely something I needed to do to get past the infertility stuff.

On one hand, I hope it works.  I would love to have the family I wanted.  I would love to have a do-over and have a child where I was not lost to PPD for the first two years.  I would love to experience pregnancy again, warts and all.  It would be great to have another child to love, and complete our family.

On the other hand…Child is 5.5 yo, and he is getting a lot easier to to deal with.  It would not be the end of the world if the cycle did not work.  I could get another Great Dane, go to NP school, and train for another half marathon.  Hubby and I could take a night or two for ourselves occasionally.  My life would be full without a second child.

That does not stop me from wanting the child.  I have hope after my acupuncture appointment.  I still have some twinges, and I want to read into every flutter and twinge I feel.  (It could all be the progesterone, though.)

I am trying to be open to what ever path opens to me.  I am not really thinking much past the blood test.  Trying to distract myself and take it one day at a time.

Beta is Monday, so I just have to get through the weekend.  Saturday I get a day with the Child.  I may go blueberry picking and then to Target, and maybe sweet frog for lunch.  Apparently we need another lego box at our house.  My mother has taken ours for her house.  Duplos are not the same.  Saturday evening we are going to “Farmfest.”  Music, food, and fun on the farm.  Child is all ready for a ho-down.  He was showing me his cool ho-down moves tonight in anticipation.  I am on call on Sunday, so I cannot do too much.  It is my first time doing scrub call, though.  So it will be a little different than what I usually do.

At least I have a full weekend.  I will probably go in Monday after dropping child off at camp in the morning.  Debating peeing on a stick on Monday.  Not sure I will, though it would be nice to have an inkling of the results.

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