Now I have to make it through the rest of the week.

Just three days, and then I get to go to the beach.

The couple we are going with was in the exact same situation not too long ago.  So at least they are understanding.  They have been there, and can at least sympathize.

But there is a hollow space inside where there is space for a second child.  I really wanted two children.  I always have, and to let that go is really hard.

This cycle is pretty much the end of my fertility.  I am not going to get pregnant any other way.  I am never going to experience pregnancy ever again.  I am never going to nurse another child.  I am never going to change diapers.  I am never going to use my baby carriers ever again.  I am never going to have the excitement of bringing a new life into the world.

All the baby clothes and toys and equipment in the basement are now useless because we will not have another child growing up in this house who will play with them.

We have an empty room now which will never have a child in it.

Alton will not have a sibling.  And that really makes me sad, because he would have been an awesome big brother.

I am never going to have the family I dreamed I would have growing up.  And that childhood dream is really hard to let go.  I have always wanted the white picket fence and 2.5 kids.  I did get the picket fence (sort of), but I did not get the family I wanted in my heart.

We are a family of three, with no possibility of more.

That sounds rather dramatic, but it is our truth right now.

Infertility is a mean unforgiving bitch.  It always amazes me what infertility can take from you.  Infertility causes you to lose trust in your body, it makes you desperate.  It gives you hope, only to take it out from under your feet.  It steals your dreams, your hopes and your desires.  It can leave you hurt, broke, and hopeless.

Trying to give myself some space to grieve, even if society has no room to acknowledge what I am grieving.  It is a real thing to me.  I am grieving the loss of dream.  I am grieving the loss of a child.  I am grieving the empty spaces which will probably never get filled.

I feel like something has been ripped out of me.


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