Lasts

(I know, two posts in one day.  Strange.)

I have been thinking about last things this cycle.  This is the last time we are doing FET.  This is our last chance for a child. This is our last time doing progesterone injections.  My doc is retiring, and we are one of his last transfers.

A lot of lasts which lead to a beginning.  The beginning of what depends on the results of the FET.  Did it stick?  Did it not?  Where we go all depends on what happens during this wait time.

I am also waiting in a time made for waiting.  Advent is the time when we wait for Christmas.  What we do with that waiting is what can make our Christmas season.  I am trying to be zen about things and let it happen.  But I am human and I cannot help but read into symptoms.  Is it the progesterone, or could it be hcg?  Someone is looking out for me somewhere, though.  The google searches I have occasionally tried (when I cannot stand it any longer) all seem to say that your symptoms are all caused by the progesterone.  There is nothing you can do but wait until beta.  So I am trying to hang on.

This is my last tww, also.  This is the last time I have to wait like this.  This waiting is hard, but also different.  The wait is part of what gives us our battle scars.  Since this is the last time I am doing this wait, I am trying to just wait and be in the moment.  We all know that is harder than it seems.  It is a time of anxiety.  I am trying to pay attention to that and just let it be a part of the experience.

I am mostly comfortable with a family of three.  Recently, child woke me up at 12:30 AM because of “back pain.”  (He had to go to the bathroom, but we could not figure that out until later.)  I still sort of suck at night time parenting.  Having a baby is different, but there is still the sleep deprivation issue.  I have gotten used to sleeping.  If we do not have another child, I could sleep.  He is fairly self sufficient in the mornings and does not need a lot of entertaining, so we even get to sleep in a little.  It is awesome.  We would be starting over with another child.  Not sure how I feel about that, but would deal with it if I am pregnant.

On the other had, I would love to have my family of four.  We have a lot of love to give another child, and every child is different.  We have also done parenting once, so we will probably do things different this time around.  I would love to have a do-over with pregnancy and post-partum, as I feel like I missed a lot of it.

There is another part of me that wants this to be done, no matter the outcome.  I have wanted to do put this part of my journey behind me and move on.  With this last cycle, I should be able to do that.  One way or another.

Good stuff either way, really.  The wait is almost over, though.  Beta is Monday.  Fingers crossed the lab does not screw it up and the doc can get it in a timely fashion.

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