Christmas eve!

And still so much to do for Christmas, and I have to work today.  With call tonight.  Hoping to get out early to get stuff done.  It has been a crazy week full of work and a root canal on Tuesday.  I could use a little time to get some Christmas stuff done!  And help Hubby with an overexcited 5 year old.

But I left you hanging with my last post…because it was the day before beta.

The result is…201!

I am apparently pregnant!  That would explain the fatigue, nausea, and heartburn.  I have also had a little insomnia as well.

So excited and scared and hoping that I can avoid some of the issues from my first pregnancy.

Continuing the estrogen shots, switching from the horribly expensive patches to estrace 3 times a day.  And waiting for ultrasound on Jan 14, provided my OB/GYN can get me in that day.  My schedule sort of sucks.  I may see what the schedule looks like that week and try to get in another day.  I suspect I will pee on some sticks in between now and then.  Just to make sure.  Also to see a positive test.

I will probably let my parents and child know tomorrow.  It would be nice to tell some one, and my parents will be happy to hear the news.  Fairly sure child will be excited.  I am keeping it from my co-workers for a while yet.  I am not quite ready to post anything on social media yet, either.  Sort of want to see the ultrasound and make sure there is really a baby in there.

Good news for Christmas for us!

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Lasts

(I know, two posts in one day.  Strange.)

I have been thinking about last things this cycle.  This is the last time we are doing FET.  This is our last chance for a child. This is our last time doing progesterone injections.  My doc is retiring, and we are one of his last transfers.

A lot of lasts which lead to a beginning.  The beginning of what depends on the results of the FET.  Did it stick?  Did it not?  Where we go all depends on what happens during this wait time.

I am also waiting in a time made for waiting.  Advent is the time when we wait for Christmas.  What we do with that waiting is what can make our Christmas season.  I am trying to be zen about things and let it happen.  But I am human and I cannot help but read into symptoms.  Is it the progesterone, or could it be hcg?  Someone is looking out for me somewhere, though.  The google searches I have occasionally tried (when I cannot stand it any longer) all seem to say that your symptoms are all caused by the progesterone.  There is nothing you can do but wait until beta.  So I am trying to hang on.

This is my last tww, also.  This is the last time I have to wait like this.  This waiting is hard, but also different.  The wait is part of what gives us our battle scars.  Since this is the last time I am doing this wait, I am trying to just wait and be in the moment.  We all know that is harder than it seems.  It is a time of anxiety.  I am trying to pay attention to that and just let it be a part of the experience.

I am mostly comfortable with a family of three.  Recently, child woke me up at 12:30 AM because of “back pain.”  (He had to go to the bathroom, but we could not figure that out until later.)  I still sort of suck at night time parenting.  Having a baby is different, but there is still the sleep deprivation issue.  I have gotten used to sleeping.  If we do not have another child, I could sleep.  He is fairly self sufficient in the mornings and does not need a lot of entertaining, so we even get to sleep in a little.  It is awesome.  We would be starting over with another child.  Not sure how I feel about that, but would deal with it if I am pregnant.

On the other had, I would love to have my family of four.  We have a lot of love to give another child, and every child is different.  We have also done parenting once, so we will probably do things different this time around.  I would love to have a do-over with pregnancy and post-partum, as I feel like I missed a lot of it.

There is another part of me that wants this to be done, no matter the outcome.  I have wanted to do put this part of my journey behind me and move on.  With this last cycle, I should be able to do that.  One way or another.

Good stuff either way, really.  The wait is almost over, though.  Beta is Monday.  Fingers crossed the lab does not screw it up and the doc can get it in a timely fashion.

Hopeful

Things feel strange.  I am not sure it is just the progesterone.

From the progesterone, I am fairly sure I am getting hot flashes, and my boobs are sensitive.  I also have that PMS hunger.  Though my craving is for salty this time, not sweet.  And, of course, my butt is sore from the shots.

Now I also have slight twinges.  I feel warm, which is really strange.  Usually I run cold.

My acupuncturist did not say anything at my appointment yesterday, but he seemed hopeful given all my symptoms.  He also told me to lay off the moxa, since I am warm.  It has done its job and I seem to be running warm.

I have been much more relaxed this time around.  It is going to be what it is.

Beta is Monday.  Keeping fingers crossed for some good news.

Positivity

So far feeling positive about my chances.  Hoping something will work, but not looking forward to anything until we get the beta back.  Trying to be in the moment.

Christmas season is the perfect time to wish and hope for something.  A good time to believe in miracles.

They were good embryos this time, and I thought it was awesome that the one was hatching!  I am doing regular acupuncture,  with moxa to assist.  I have started meditating for 5 minutes every night.  It is not much, but it seems to help.  I feel more relaxed this time around.  Maybe because I know this is my last one, whether it works or not.  It is going to be what it is, no matter what I do.  I really cannot control the outcome.

I would love it to work, for a whole host of reasons.  I want a family of four.  I think Child would make an excellent big brother.  It would be great if my RE went out on a high note, as he is retiring at the end of the year.  We were one of his last transfers. (We slipped in under the wire on that one!)  I want a do over for pregnancy and post-partum since I sort of feel like I screwed it up the first time around.  I want to try to enjoy it more, and maybe skip the post partum depression.

But I know I will be all right if it does not work.  I can continue to moon over pics of Great Danes, and I may even get one.  I can run a couple of half marathons.  (Totally want to do the Rock and Roll half in Savannah.)  Child is so much easier now that he is 5 years old.  I get to sleep the entire night through.  He is able to entertain himself.  He can work the TV remote all by himself now, and that has opened up a whole world of possibilities.  Child and I could go biking more often, now that he is on two wheels.  There is a lot I could do if I do not have another child.

I will be sad if it does not work out, and I will probably mourn the loss.  But I know I can move on, and have a full life.  I think that is a strong place to be.

Trying to stay positive and chill.  And trying not to get excited.

Trying to believe in miracles.

Last transfer complete!

A long day of driving, but we did it.

Apparently they were both good quality embryos, and one was even about to hatch.  Hubby looked at them under the microscope, and he said the hatching one was really big.

Having slight cramping and twinges, but all of that normal FET stuff.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

Hoping something sticks.  Thinking sticky thoughts!

Child is overnighting at my parent’s house, so we can relax a bit.  (Read, get busy with it!  I have heard that it helps.  Semen is sticky, right?)  And maybe sleep in tomorrow morning.  At least a little.

Hope is increasing.  It is possible, especially with the good quality embryos.  But nothing is for sure until beta comes back positive.

Also..just happy to be out of the car.

Progesterone and changes

Changes in my body, changes in my attitude.

Good news is that estrogen came back fine, so I did not need any additional estrogen.  I am taking that as a good sign.

I am really starting to feel the effects of progesterone on my body.  I started it this past weekend.  I now feel bloated and my boobs are a little sensitive.  It is like PMS only bigger.  Have not had the irritability, though.  I think keeping up with the metformin and continuing to weight train has helped with that.

I have also started meditating for 5 minutes every evening.  I think that has helped, too.

I am beginning to hope that it will work. I would love it if this cycle resulted in a pregnancy.  I am fairly sure I can get pregnant, and I know that I can maintain the pregnancy, if I do end up pregnant.  And we would love the child a lot.  There is a lot of love in this house. We have enough to share with another child.

I have the day off today, so I am taking care of some things.  I have an acupuncture appointment this morning, and a dentist appointment this afternoon.  I may try to run at some point today, too. Depending on how the dentist goes.

Over all, I feel fairly positive, and ready to be able to move on in one way or another.

I think it will be nice to start the new year knowing what I have to deal with as far as family building. I will either be celebrating our moving on. (Hoping it works, though. Fingers crossed.)

mid-cycle check

Yesterday I drove to Richmond for my mid-cycle check.

It was sort of a nightmare.  I had call the night before, and of course was called in.  I got a little sleep, but not enough.  And then I had to drive in the rain.  The good part was that they moved my appointment later because the RE had a retrieval earlier in the day.  And Hubby let me sleep as long as I could once I got home.

It was a long time in the car driving in the rain.  Morning was not too bad, but it got tough after it started getting dark about 5 PM.  I was just ready to be home and in bed.

Anyway, I have a lot of EWCM, which would be awesome if I could get pregnant naturally, but does not matter here.  The lining looked good.

They drew blood for estrogen levels.  Which came back low.  I suspect they could be low for many reasons.  I have been a bit stressed.  The tooth abscess from last week with the cold on top of it probably did not help.  The lack of sleep the night before the exam probably did not help either.  Not to mention, I am in my 40s.  Estrogen levels do drop in your 40s, I hear

So I get a re-draw tomorrow.  We will see what happens.  We may need to add some estradiol to the patches.  Not unheard of, but I feel like a failure because I do not have appropriate estrogen levels.  There is nothing I can do about my estrogen levels.  They are what they are.  And as long as the lining looked all right, I hope we will be all right.

I did get a random afternoon off today, and I managed to get an acupuncture appointment in.  Thank goodness.  I really needed it!  I was sort of a mess.  Feel much better now.  Hopefully the effects will last a bit.  I need to find my zen space.  (And maybe it helped the estrogen levels, too.  You never know!)

Trying to have faith and believe that it can happen.  Hoping that will help a positive outcome.

Hope is hard though.  I really want to stay in my safe place, thinking about life with an only and mooning over Great Dane puppies.  But I am trying to allow myself to dream a little.  One last time.  Crossing my fingers and praying for a miracle.

Trying to believe in magic.

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