I am mad and tired

I cannot put this on FB, and I need to get it off my chest. I am not even sure this will be very coherent. I apologize in advance.

I do not like our president.  I believe he is a narcissistic, misogynistic bigot.  He does not care about anyone but himself.  Russia probably controls him.  I do not trust Putin at all, and we seem to be headed toward an alliance with Russia.  Also, he is annoying many countries we trade with.  Not sure how great that will be to bring back all the jobs he promised.  There are a lot of companies that depend on imported materials. 
And he lies his head off, and then gets mad when the media call him out on it!  That is what the media is supposed to do!  But according to him, the media is biased against him. No, the media is biased against lying.  Factchecking is what they do.  I am trying to teach my 7 yo son that lying is not right, and this is what he has to look up to?  I am mad about this.

I live in a district which went to Trump.  People on my feeed are complaining about the protests.  Every election has been protested, as far as I can remember.  And the protests against Obama were very racist in nature.  And then Republicans refused to work with the president.  The people who protested know who was president, and they are not looking for a handout.  You are looking at all the people who feel like they lost their voice.  They are scared of losing their Healthcare, marriage rights, scared of increased bigotry and racism across the country.

I sense the people who voted for our president do not think beyond the now.  They do not see the possibility.  Everything they are thinking of implementing will not affect them.  It will affect someone else, but not them.  They do not understand why people marched on Saturday.

I am scared for my daughters. I am scared for my parents. 

Hoping the next four years will not be as bad as I am afraid of.  

I suck at long distance friendships.

In my excitement and hormone muddled thought processes, I contacted an old friend who I had not contacted in a couple of years.  And I did it all wrong.  She blasted me for it.  And rightfully so, I am sure.

Hubby wants me to mend it.  I am not sure what I can do to mend it.  I plan on apologizing and eating a little crow.  Beyond that, I am not sure what I can do.

Apparently I suck at long distance relationships.  Technology can be great, and keep you closer, but it can also allow you to take things for granted.  And I know did take the friendship for granted.

My social skills are not always the best, either.  I am awkward and probably more direct than people expect.  Social skills are not my forte.

So now I have to write an apology email and let it go.  I may end up letting the friendship go, anyway, if she does not want to make the effort.  We will see.

Sigh.

 

A Brighter Day

At least warmer!  It is in the sixties today, and it feels really good.  I feel a bit better about things today.  Finally got back to church.  Both Child and I were happy to go.  (Well, Child was happy afterward.  It is was a bit of a struggle getting him there.)

The message I got from the service is that I need to let go.  I have very little control over what is happening with the pregnancy.  I have to trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

I think it helps that I am feeling a lot better lately.  First trimester was really rough.  Second seems to be better, though I still get some nausea in the evening.  Zofran does seem to help with that, though.

I am already a lot bigger than I was with the last pregnancy.  Maternity clothes are a must right now.  I cannot fit in anything else.  Hopefully my sister will come though with some skirts for me.  I may buy a couple of basics, though.  And a maternity support belt.

I am glad things are looking up, though.  And there are signs of spring.  At least for today.

Wrapping my head around it…

So.  Twins.  Fraternal twins.

Definitely not what I expected.  And  makes this pregnancy very different.

I am really nervous about making it through to term.  I have a goal of delivering in August, but it is unclear as to whether I will get there or not.  There are a lot of things which could prevent that.

I do have a couple of things going my way.  I am not small.  I am about 5’6′ or so. My height is an advantage here.  I also have gotten a previous pregnancy to term.  Also I am not underweight.  (Actually I am overweight.)  Also, I have fraternal twins so I do not have any worries about twin-twin transfusion syndrome.  Those factors should help.

I am planning on going part time in the summer, so that I do not have to take call.  That is sort of a big deal for me.  I may try to get a pool membership and swim a little bit over the summer.  I also want to continue working out with the hubby as the pregnancy allows, as I think that could only help.  I actually went to the gym yesterday and worked out some.

I am a little sad at not having a singleton.  I think that would have been easier to handle in many respects.  I sort of knew what I was doing with one.  The risks of pregnancy are fewer with one.  You do not have to think up so many possible names.  It is definitely less of a freak show.  I think I have a little mourning going on with that.

I am sure people are talking about how crazy I am to have twins at 41 years old.  I know people have done it before, just maybe not here.

I think I need to take it one day at a time and care for myself the best way I know how.  I have been reading about twin pregnancy.   (And I am really happy I do not have higher order multiples!)  Apparently I need to gain weight, and I will start outgrowing my clothes earlier.  I already cannot fit into most of my jeans, and I have washed my maternity clothes.  (The ones I can find, anyway.)  I already have a small belly at 9 weeks.  Though right now it looks like I am just gaining weight.  Sigh.  Second trimester cannot get here soon enough!

Scary stuff

This week is the first week I had a chance to try to get back in to a normal routine.  Work, gym, kid stuff.

Thursday morning, which is my day off, I sneezed and a spurt of bright red blood came out.  All over the couch and me.  I was very upset.  After I calmed down, I realized that there was no cramping.  Just the blood.  Weird.  And the lack of cramping hopefully indicates that it is not a miscarriage.  (After the periods coming off of the other FETs, I think I have a pretty good idea.)

Called my ob/gyn the first chance I could.  He wanted some guidance from the RE.  So I am trying to do self care appointments while shooting off emails and making phone calls.  It was rather bizarre.  Upshot was, I had some blood work drawn and an ultrasound that afternoon.

On ultrasound, things looked all right, sort of.  There was a small subchorionic hemorrhage next to both sacs.

Yes, you read that right.  There are two sacs, two yolks, and two heartbeats.  Both babies measure mostly right on for dates.  Both measured about 6 weeks.  (Holy sh**! is the general consensus over here.)

I have not heard much from my doc, though I suspect that he may want another ultrasound in the next few weeks to see how the subchorionic hemorrhage is healing.  I think he feels like it will likely get better on its own.  And it probably will.

There are two in there.  I am trying to wrap my head around the idea, and trying to figure out how likely it is  that I could lose one.  I think chances are fairly low at this point.  They are both measuring the same, and both measure appropriately for the dates.  There is still a chance one could disappear.  Waiting a little to see what happens, but I think both could stick around.

Lots of scary stuff over here!

New Year

Hard to believe that I will start the new year creating a new life.

I was at the point where I did not think that would happen and I was beginning to be content with a family of three.

Pregnancy symptoms are unavoidable now.  I have been drinking ginger ale fairly regularly.  Thinking about trying to steep some real ginger in a tea.  I napped for about an hour in the car yesterday on our way back from in-law’s house.  And the salty cravings have been insane.  I also cannot deal with mexican and barbecue.  Do not ask why.  The thought of it makes me queasy.

This morning I cooked sausage links for breakfast.  After I cooked them, I did not want to eat them.  Fortunately, child and hubby were happy to eat the sausage.  I just had a bagel and coffee.  That is about all I could stand.

We need to get back to the gym soon.  I think Monday we will be able to get there.  Alton does like to visit with his friend there on Mondays.  Hoping it will not be too crazy with the new year.  We will see.  I think it will feel good to weight train again.

Still have not POAS.  I keep forgetting, and then I never have enough in my bladder to make it work.  Oh well.  At the the symptoms are more prominent now.  Still waiting on ultrasound in a couple weeks.

Still, an exciting way to start the new year!

In between time

Right now is an in between time.  It is the week between Christmas and new year’s and not much happens.  A lot of people take the week off.  Things slow down.  It is strange but nice.

As a nurse, I do not generally get this week off, so to have Monday off after a 3 day weekend is a blessing and sort of makes me feel like I am on a break.  It is definitely a blessing to have a 4 day weekend with no call!

It is also a strange in between time with the pregnancy after FET.  I have had a lovely beta (201 at 10 days post transfer!)  And now the wait for the ultrasound.  Right now all I have is the beta number.  I do not have any pictures, no heartbeat, nothing.  Just the wait and the inevitable search of symptoms.  For me, I feel full, a little queasy at times, hot flashes, occasional dizziness, also a lot of breast tenderness.  All good things.  (The breast tenderness is off the charts, by they way.  Way more than previous unsuccessful cycles.  That is the main one I look at.  Though the nausea can get bad at times too.)  I have restrained myself from peeing on sticks to verify that I am pregnant.  I am trying to hold out for the ultrasound.  I may break down and do it eventually though.

I have an acupuncture appointment on Wednesday, so hopefully that will give me some reassurance, and chill me out a bit.

Christmas eve!

And still so much to do for Christmas, and I have to work today.  With call tonight.  Hoping to get out early to get stuff done.  It has been a crazy week full of work and a root canal on Tuesday.  I could use a little time to get some Christmas stuff done!  And help Hubby with an overexcited 5 year old.

But I left you hanging with my last post…because it was the day before beta.

The result is…201!

I am apparently pregnant!  That would explain the fatigue, nausea, and heartburn.  I have also had a little insomnia as well.

So excited and scared and hoping that I can avoid some of the issues from my first pregnancy.

Continuing the estrogen shots, switching from the horribly expensive patches to estrace 3 times a day.  And waiting for ultrasound on Jan 14, provided my OB/GYN can get me in that day.  My schedule sort of sucks.  I may see what the schedule looks like that week and try to get in another day.  I suspect I will pee on some sticks in between now and then.  Just to make sure.  Also to see a positive test.

I will probably let my parents and child know tomorrow.  It would be nice to tell some one, and my parents will be happy to hear the news.  Fairly sure child will be excited.  I am keeping it from my co-workers for a while yet.  I am not quite ready to post anything on social media yet, either.  Sort of want to see the ultrasound and make sure there is really a baby in there.

Good news for Christmas for us!

Lasts

(I know, two posts in one day.  Strange.)

I have been thinking about last things this cycle.  This is the last time we are doing FET.  This is our last chance for a child. This is our last time doing progesterone injections.  My doc is retiring, and we are one of his last transfers.

A lot of lasts which lead to a beginning.  The beginning of what depends on the results of the FET.  Did it stick?  Did it not?  Where we go all depends on what happens during this wait time.

I am also waiting in a time made for waiting.  Advent is the time when we wait for Christmas.  What we do with that waiting is what can make our Christmas season.  I am trying to be zen about things and let it happen.  But I am human and I cannot help but read into symptoms.  Is it the progesterone, or could it be hcg?  Someone is looking out for me somewhere, though.  The google searches I have occasionally tried (when I cannot stand it any longer) all seem to say that your symptoms are all caused by the progesterone.  There is nothing you can do but wait until beta.  So I am trying to hang on.

This is my last tww, also.  This is the last time I have to wait like this.  This waiting is hard, but also different.  The wait is part of what gives us our battle scars.  Since this is the last time I am doing this wait, I am trying to just wait and be in the moment.  We all know that is harder than it seems.  It is a time of anxiety.  I am trying to pay attention to that and just let it be a part of the experience.

I am mostly comfortable with a family of three.  Recently, child woke me up at 12:30 AM because of “back pain.”  (He had to go to the bathroom, but we could not figure that out until later.)  I still sort of suck at night time parenting.  Having a baby is different, but there is still the sleep deprivation issue.  I have gotten used to sleeping.  If we do not have another child, I could sleep.  He is fairly self sufficient in the mornings and does not need a lot of entertaining, so we even get to sleep in a little.  It is awesome.  We would be starting over with another child.  Not sure how I feel about that, but would deal with it if I am pregnant.

On the other had, I would love to have my family of four.  We have a lot of love to give another child, and every child is different.  We have also done parenting once, so we will probably do things different this time around.  I would love to have a do-over with pregnancy and post-partum, as I feel like I missed a lot of it.

There is another part of me that wants this to be done, no matter the outcome.  I have wanted to do put this part of my journey behind me and move on.  With this last cycle, I should be able to do that.  One way or another.

Good stuff either way, really.  The wait is almost over, though.  Beta is Monday.  Fingers crossed the lab does not screw it up and the doc can get it in a timely fashion.

Hopeful

Things feel strange.  I am not sure it is just the progesterone.

From the progesterone, I am fairly sure I am getting hot flashes, and my boobs are sensitive.  I also have that PMS hunger.  Though my craving is for salty this time, not sweet.  And, of course, my butt is sore from the shots.

Now I also have slight twinges.  I feel warm, which is really strange.  Usually I run cold.

My acupuncturist did not say anything at my appointment yesterday, but he seemed hopeful given all my symptoms.  He also told me to lay off the moxa, since I am warm.  It has done its job and I seem to be running warm.

I have been much more relaxed this time around.  It is going to be what it is.

Beta is Monday.  Keeping fingers crossed for some good news.